Saturday, August 29, 2009

Where I Am Coming From

I am tired! I am tired of being tired. I am tired of being the big girl. I am tired of being the only plus size sister. I am tired of the words "plus size"! I am tired of seeing clothes that I love and never being able to find them in my size. I am tired of people telling me that I look pretty and never believing them. I am tired of shopping along because I am embarrassed. I am tired of lying about where I buy some clothes because I don't want people to know they are from a big girl store. I am tired of being ashamed by my body. I am tired of putting limits on myself!

I have no memories of ever being small. Homecomings and Prom from high school are supposed to be some of the best memories from high school. I had a great time with great friends at all of them, but dress shopping was another story. Girls are supposed to love dress shopping for their first formal dresses, but not me. It was painful to go into stores and have nothing fit. To be in a dressing room, with the largest size, and zippers not being able to be zipped. Finally, I found a dress that worked...

I loved my dress. It fit. I thought it made me look smaller because of the boning in the bodice. I was happy. Then came Senior Prom and the whole problem started over again. I searched and searched for a dress, trying on dozens of dresses, until finally I found one...

Does it look familiar? Of course it does. It is the exact same dress, but in a different color. It was the only thing I could find that worked and made me look half-way decent. I remember hoping no one would remember my dress from the year before. Then came college.

I love my years at Baylor, meeting new friends, making great memories. Freshman year, girls worried about the dreaded "Freshman Fifteen", and I dreaded meeting new people. What would they would think about me? I remember being the biggest girl on my hall. I remember Baylor girls were so beautiful. I didn't feel like I felt in. I was blessed to meet great friends that love me for me. No matter what shape or what size I was.

In college, for the first time, I remember letting my weight hold me back. I wouldn't do certain things because I was too self conscious. I wouldn't dress up in costumes for parties because I was afraid of looking stupid. I couldn't go with friends to costume stores or Goodwill because I just knew nothing would fit. I wouldn't go to the SLC to work out with friends because I was afraid I couldn't keep up. I would only agree to go on the Bear Trail if they wanted to walk, not run. I wouldn't play on any of my sorority's intermural teams.

It didn't get better after college. I just kept getting bigger and bigger. I don't have many pictures from that time. I avoided pictures as much as possible. I remember looking back at a friend's wedding pictures and thinking I looked absolutely huge. I had to do something about it. And in 2005, I did. I joined Curves and starting counting points. I did it in secret. I didn't want people to know that I was trying to lose weight. I was afraid that I might fail. But I didn't. I did great. I motivated myself. I lost about 45 to 50 pounds! I was proud and others were proud of me.

I could finally shop in normal stores again! It was the first time since early college that I could buy pants in a regular size store. It was a great feeling. But even then, I still had a long way to go. I was still at the top of the size range. There were still stores that I couldn't fit into. I thought to myself that I would never go back. I would never let myself get that big again.
But here I am, several years later, back to where I began, and actually about 10 pounds heavier. In all honesty, I am miserable. I am not happy the way that I am. I have watched the success of others. I see how happy they are. I want that too. There are signs jumping out at me everywhere that it is time to change.
I was reading USA Today during work the other and stumbled across this article. Ok, I know it isn't shocking news...extremely obese people die before those of normal weight. Everyone knows or assumes that already, right? That wasn't what got to me. It was people's comments. I love reading the comments on articles, it is my favorite part. But the comments on this one really got to me. People are so ugly when it comes to overweight people! Is that how people see me? Is that what people think when they see me at the mall, out to eat, or even at church?
I don't want to be this way anymore. I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I want to stop putting limits on myself. I don't want to be embarrassed to stand up by my best friend when she gets married in February. I want to turn 30 and think this is the best I have ever looked. This is the best shape I have ever been in. I don't want weight to ever hold me back again! It is time to make a change and this MUST be for good!

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