I have no memories of ever being small. Homecomings and Prom from high school are supposed to be some of the best memories from high school. I had a great time with great friends at all of them, but dress shopping was another story. Girls are supposed to love dress shopping for their first formal dresses, but not me. It was painful to go into stores and have nothing fit. To be in a dressing room, with the largest size, and zippers not being able to be zipped. Finally, I found a dress that worked...
I loved my dress. It fit. I thought it made me look smaller because of the boning in the bodice. I was happy. Then came Senior Prom and the whole problem started over again. I searched and searched for a dress, trying on dozens of dresses, until finally I found one...
Does it look familiar? Of course it does. It is the exact same dress, but in a different color. It was the only thing I could find that worked and made me look half-way decent. I remember hoping no one would remember my dress from the year before. Then came college.
I love my years at Baylor, meeting new friends, making great memories. Freshman year, girls worried about the dreaded "Freshman Fifteen", and I dreaded meeting new people. What would they would think about me? I remember being the biggest girl on my hall. I remember Baylor girls were so beautiful. I didn't feel like I felt in. I was blessed to meet great friends that love me for me. No matter what shape or what size I was.
In college, for the first time, I remember letting my weight hold me back. I wouldn't do certain things because I was too self conscious. I wouldn't dress up in costumes for parties because I was afraid of looking stupid. I couldn't go with friends to costume stores or Goodwill because I just knew nothing would fit. I wouldn't go to the SLC to work out with friends because I was afraid I couldn't keep up. I would only agree to go on the Bear Trail if they wanted to walk, not run. I wouldn't play on any of my sorority's intermural teams.
It didn't get better after college. I just kept getting bigger and bigger. I don't have many pictures from that time. I avoided pictures as much as possible. I remember looking back at a friend's wedding pictures and thinking I looked absolutely huge. I had to do something about it. And in 2005, I did. I joined Curves and starting counting points. I did it in secret. I didn't want people to know that I was trying to lose weight. I was afraid that I might fail. But I didn't. I did great. I motivated myself. I lost about 45 to 50 pounds! I was proud and others were proud of me.
I could finally shop in normal stores again! It was the first time since early college that I could buy pants in a regular size store. It was a great feeling. But even then, I still had a long way to go. I was still at the top of the size range. There were still stores that I couldn't fit into. I thought to myself that I would never go back. I would never let myself get that big again.